The Date
by JapanCat
Summary: In which Hiei and Mukuro go on a date and all the wacky things that happen in between. Or in which Hiei gets pwned by Mukuro several times.


The Date

_And the lawyers said to ceiling cat, "Im in ur earfs walking upons it, looking 4 lawsuits." And then ceiling cat created disclaimers like this one and then fanfiction was at peace._**  
Notes: Yeah… I just wrote that. Can't have the same boring disclaimer all the time, you know. So… This was actually the result of a conversation between myself and Andrivette. I don't quite remember what was going on that made me write this gag or anything. I have it saved somewhere, though. So… Yeah. Let's just start this stupid story.**

xoxox

Hiei had a sick feeling in his stomach that had nothing to do with indigestion, _cochlymia hominivorax_, _tripas_, mudkip, Dingo Pictures, Edward Cullen, or any otherwise strange and unsightly infections, and everything to do with Mukuro. It was something that had been going on for a while and he wasn't quite sure whether it was in spite of his frequent meetings alone with Mukuro or it it was because of them. But that was only because he didn't do good with his fancy grammar and such. At one point he questioned the odds of this happening afte his constant arguments that nothing had been going on between him and Mukuro. But he shrugged it off. If it became something more than just friends, then so be it goddammit.

…You know, if their meetings didn't suddenly become awkward. One such occasion was when he walked into her room during break AKA the time he ran away during his duties so he won't have to do shit.

And Mukuro decided to ask her usual question. "How's the patrol?"

"Why do you always ask me that?" Hiei asked less than enthusiastically. It was more worn out than asking "Are you okay" even after someone gets shot.

She looked slightly offended as if this wasn't normal behavior for him, and she just shrugged. "Maybe I wanted to see if you began to enjoy it more as time went on…"

"Well, I enjoy it less every time you ask! How do you like that?"

"Well, that's too bad. I guess you can hate it all you want. Why don't you just leave if it's really that bad? Like I said, I'm not forcing you to stay here… Actually, you don't really have to do anything except die."

Hiei decided to go around her attempt at dark humor and went on. "I don't want to leave actually… And I don't really _hate_ it." Unlike those guys on _In Living Color._

"Why don't you want to leave then?"

"I really don't hate the patrol either."

"I could have figured that out, Hiei. You didn't answer my question." And we all know how much Mukuro hates leaving questions hanging.

"…Hey, you ever consider building a laser."

_What the hell?_ "Why would I want to do that?"

"They're useful."

"If an unfortunate event were to occur I think we have enough man power to take those forces down. If that's what you mean by all that. What did you come in here for anyway, Hiei?"

"I have to go… I have an appointment for… my cancer…"

"You have…?"

"No!"

"Are you… I think you should rest…"

"No! I have _hapalochlaena lunulata_!" And he ran out before it became something like testicular cancer. Or hysterical paroxysm. Or anything that has something to do with that general area of the body. He didn't even give her a chance to react, or at least to decode what he just said. Just when he got a safe distance away he groaned. _Why am I being so spineless? I should just do it. …After she forgets all about what I just said._

So to kill time, Hiei quested to search for the Holy Grail with the intention of writing a Dan Brown-ed novel about it, but he got bored with it about halfway through. So he returned a week later as a man, I mean, he came back determined, and he barged right into Mukuro's room. She didn't turn around when she heard him enter. She just sat at her desk, continuing her writing. And then Hiei decided, he was going to do something so crazy that would make her turn around. He was just going to make some jaw dropping statement and… and…

"Mukuro, I…" Hiei was interrupted.

"Go away, I'm busy." Mukuro waved her left hand at him.

You could just hear the balloon popping. "Okay, but you always do this to me. Why don't you ever listen to me and worship me like you always do! _Why do you close your eyes when we make love?_" was what he would have said if he were a clingy, angsty teenager who intended to suck the life out of his lover. Since he didn't fit into any of the above, he became a journalist. "What're you doing?"

And we all know how much we hate journalists. "Stuff."

"What kind of stuff?"

"I dunno. Whatever you want it to be. It could be communist-Nazi-fascist- freedom-hating-hippie stuff. It doesn't concern you."

And then Hiei became a great philosopher. "Why?"

Mukuro turned around, gave him the librarian glare, and turned back around, shaking her head. "Don't you have something better to do?"

"I really doubt what you're doing is that damn important."

"It is. Go away."

"If it is, let me see it."

"It might be confidential."

"Hypothetically. I'm not saying whether it is or not."

"If you have to do that it obviously isn't. If it were that damn confidential you wouldn't have to add that 'might' to it. It just is. So obviously what you're doing is just making it up in hopes that I'd just leave and I won't do that."

"Hiei. Just get out."

"I have something I wanted to ask you."

"It can wait."

"Not… really."

Mukuro turned around. "Hiei."

"What?" Now he was starting to get frustrated.

"Take two steps to your right. No, a half step to your left now. Good. Picture perfect. Now then…" She reached over, pulled a lever, and watched as Hiei dropped down a trap door. She turned back around and went along her merry way. "I give him two hours."

In exactly two hours time, Hiei returned covered in slime. Without even turning around, Mukuro said, "Look what the cat dragged in. And just in time. I just finished."

"Do you know the five circles of hell I just went through just to get here?" Hiei growled. "You know where that hole takes you?"

"I was the one who put it there."

"Why do you even have that thing?"

"Funny you should ask me that. I was just starting to think that thing was impractical because you're the only other person who walks in this room. …And you're also one of the people dumb enough to stand on a trapdoor like that. So, congratulations, Hiei, you've just made that trapdoor worth my time and you just made my day."

"Goddamn you, Mukuro."

"So you wanted to ask me something?"

"I don't think I want to ask you anymore."

"Oh. Okay. Works for me." She went back to the desk but Hiei turned her chair around.

"What the hell are you doing?" Hiei demanded.

"Stuff."

"Not this shit again!"

"Well, nothing you just said implies that you don't want me to do what I've been doing so that only means that I can continue unless you're going to finally tell me what you keep badgering me about. I'd also want you to back away from me. You're dripping slime all over the pace and it's disgusting. By the way… That's actually not slime." And you don't even want to know what it really is.

Hiei was tempted to jump on her and get her covered with the "slime" just to spit eher and do it for the lulz. That's how he rolls. But that's all kinds of wrong and all kinds of awkward. (If there was more than one kind, that is.) And it was also some unfortunate symbolism, what with Hiei being who he is. "I'm just gonna leave and do some stuff on my own then."

"Okay. Go ahead." She turned back to the desk.

"I'm leaving."

This was turning into a challenge. "I'm not stopping you."

He walked to the door. "I'm walking out.

"Don't let the door hit you on the way out. Really. I don't want your slime on it."

He walked into the door before leaving. A moment later he came back in "I'm taking this stapler."

Mukuro shrugged. "Clean it before you bring it back."

"I won't!" He walked out and then another moment later he walked back in. (_Damn this man!_) "Screw it. I'm just going to ask you. You want to go on a date with me?" He turned around to walk out.

"Wait. Don't you want my answer?"

Hiei was in the doorway at that point. "No!" And he walked out… Only to turn around and walk back in. "Okay."

"Sure." Awkward silence.

"…So what day should we do it?"

"I dunno… Saturday?"

"That works." More silence. Hiei looked at the stapler in his hand. "You want this thing back?"

"I said to clean it, you fool."

xoxox

Saturday

So they walked out together. Mukuro stopped. "Wait where are we going?"

Hiei shrugged. "I dunno. Go to a movie…?"

"Never been to one. What's it like?"

"Never been to one?" He looked at her like she was crazy despite being the one that got dragged into theaters because Yusuke decided it would be fun to do so. He happened to have fond memories of when Yusuke… Kurama… Kuwabara… Man, it wasn't much fun for him at all, actually.

Back to reality, Hiei. "You really think I'd go to one without people bothering me? And what if someone's behind me and they try to kill me with an ice pick?"

"Why would someone kill you with an ice pick? Someone would notice someone walking in with one anyway. There's better ways of doing it anyway. Like with lasers." The color drained from Mukuro's face. Hiei just figured she had some sort of ice pick phobia and decided he would find some way to comfort her. "If someone has an ice pick, I'll protect you."

She wasn't exactly sure whether to be a bit insulted or to just accept it. "That's… Nice of you."

They arrived in the theater and sat in the back so the chance of the ice pick maniac showing up to kill them was decreased sevenfold. Also no one would be able to watch their awkward moment together that way. The voyeurs. Either way, Hiei would break out a can of spinach, I mean a can of whoop ass and use his Sambo moves on the offender and then everyone would be confused because no one knows what the heck that is… Except the Russians and the Military Channel. They sat in silence. Hiei slowly reached over and took her hand in his. She pulled her hand away.

"What are you doing?" she asked, looking slightly offended.

"…Holding your hand," he said simply, trying his best to act like he expected this to happen.

"No. What? Why?"

"Because we're supposed to."

"Says who? The dating guidebook?"

"No. You're just supposed to."

"Don't touch me." They just sat there, staring in the direction opposite if each other. Hiei started twiddling his thumbs and his eyes found their way into his lap. Mukuro started tapping her toe, anxiously glancing over at him everyone once in a while. At one point, Hiei looked up and their eyes met. They quickly looked in the opposite direction again. After a few more times this happened, she finally said, "…Okay, fine, you can touch me."

And so he took her hand again. Hearts.

"Don't do that."

"Right."

They sat in silence. She noticed that one of them had sweaty hands but she pretended this didn't matter. She started to tap her toe again. "…When is this supposed to start again?"

"I dunno. Two minutes from now."

"…What are we watching again?"

"I think it's something about piranhas with lasers. They shoot people with their lasers and then they eat them."

"Why piranhas?"

"They're bad ass though. They can eat a cow in five minutes."

"That's been proven false. And what is it with you and lasers?"

"But… They're cool…"

"You know that it's physiologically impossible for a piranha to have a laser on them right? There's no way they can move with that extra weight on them. In fact, there's really no way for one to actually control one. Who was the insane scientist who came up with this one?" You know other than Stephen King while he's in the tub.

That comment made him sad face. The man really likes lasers, apparently.

Mukuro couldn't go on with that. "But it can be done."

Sunshine. Hearts. Flowers. Teddy bears.

Now she was appalled. "…Okay really. Stop doing that."

Sad face.

"You are impossible."

xoxox

Once the movie was over they walked out. They just started to wander without much direction. Mukuro finally turned to Hiei and asked, "So now what? It's still daylight so it'd be a waste to go home right away."

"You think so?" Hiei asked.

She shrugged. "If you want tp go back, we can. I was just saying that it's still daylight and that there's so much we could do together. But if you really want to go…"

"So what you're saying is 'What time is it adventure? Adventure time.' And then we'll have some wacky adventure and wish we hadn't." Whatever it meant. Mukuro had a feeling it might be a device that would draw a path directly to fanfiction inspired sex.

We all know how she feels about sex, especially fanfiction sex. Or at least most of us do. She gave him a blank look. "Uh… Sure…" There was a long silence. "You know, the carnival's in town if you wanna go to that…"

Hiei gave her a slasher smile. He was probably trying to smile but it came out wrong. Or maybe that _was _his happy face. "Why…?"

Mukuro, who had known many axe murderers and slashers throughout her life and had been an axe murderer herself for about two days (she got tired of dragging an axe around), was no phased at all. "I've never been to one before and I was curious to know what it's like. I heard that they're the happiest places on earth."

"No, Mukuro! You do _not_ want to know what it's like. I'm gonna tell you a story from when I was a kid! I was five years old and they (whoever they are) took me the carnival. And there was this tall guy. His name was Steve and he had this red and yellow striped shirt. And there were those red clowns around me, laughing at me. And then Steve looked down at me and then he grabbed me by the arm and he dragged me into the shadows. Just me and him and the clowns. All of them just sitting there watching as he… Mukuro, say, 'What did he do to you, Hiei?'"

"Why?"

"Do it!"

Sigh. "What did he do to you, Hiei?"

"He looked down at me, and he drew his face over… And he said to me… He said… I needed my mother to ride the rollercoaster because I was too small to ride alone! Don't you understand my pain?"

"He just… He just said… Real-"

"Don't you understand?"

"But he just said that you can't go on a rollercoaster. I've seen much worse than…"

"But don't you realize how different my life would have been if he just let me go on that rollercoaster? All the things that could have been different? Cancer would have been cured. Pluto would still be a planet. Children wouldn't cry. Hitler would never have been born. And nuclear missiles would never have been created. People would look at Kurama and know that he's a straight man. Deviant art would have given you two! Two!"

"All because of that. You're something else, you know that? And you and I should be the only ones fully aware that I have two breasts. And at this point, I should be the only one aware of the inconveniences that come with having only one breast.

Hiei jumped on a soapbox he was saving for this occasion and he dramatically went on, completely ignoring Mukuro's final statements, a skull in his hand like Hamlet. "So I have dedicated my life to destroying the rollercoasters of the world and burning books and all the Nazi carnivals of the world."

"What is it with you and Nazis?"

"Have you ever been hugged by a bearded lady, Mukuro? Have you?"

"No and neither have you. In fact, you've never stepped foot in a carnival in your life. I know you." He just stared at her. "Well, I know you better than you know yourself."

"I know _you_ better than you know yourself."

"Okay, if you're so smart then tell me when I'm happiest."

"When you're with me!" was what he would have said if he was the hero of a Nicholas Sparks novel, thus making him one hundred percent horse shit. Because he isn't he just kept quiet. So she walked away, deciding that she would want to go to the carnival anyway. When she noticed Hiei was following her. She turned around and cocked a brow.

"I thought you said you didn't want to go," she said.

"But if I leave then that means I'm going home without you." You is this were a television sitcom, this would be the part when the laugh track audience goes "Aw…"

This was so much so that she didn't even know what to say to that. She looked over her shoulder and sighed. Here's a real catch twenty-two. But she decided as she turned back to Hiei, "You know something? Let's just go home."

"I thought you said you wanted to go to…"

"No… Let's just go home."

Once they returned home and to Mukuro's room, Hiei took his usual spot on Mukuro's chair and she took the seat opposite to him. They just stared at each other, waiting for the other to say something, or at least to break the stare.

Mukuro was the one to do it. "So what's the next part in your book? We kiss?"

"Why, you want to? Because… Why are you asking?" Hiei asked, finding something else on the floor suddenly interesting.

"If you're going by the book, that's how it works. I'm supposed to fight it but go along with it wholeheartedly. And then you just go fgor the kill regardless of what I have to say."

"You're doing it wrong. I thought you were above that kind of thing."

"_You're_ doing it wrong."

It was silent for a few moments. She finally got up, leaned over, thinking _Oh what the hell_ and kissed him. Just a peck nothing more. It was silent again.

"So… Next time… Same day, same time?" Hiei asked.

She shrugged. "Sure."

xoxox

**Author's note: I'm aware of how the ending seems rushed. I kind of ran out of ideas about the part when they were going to the carnival. They were going to go in but I decided not to for some reason. They were supposed to meet Steve too.**  
…**That's a reference to a meme psychoheidi did. You should read it. Or look at it. You know what I mean by that. We seriously need to laugh with these guys more.**

**Info-**_ hapalochlaena lunulata _**is an octopus.**_  
cochlymia hominivorax_ **is a parasite. I think it eats the lungs**_  
tripas _**is intestines if I don't fail epically with my Spanish.  
Look up dingo pictures and tell me they don't make you sick**  
hysterical paroxysm **is female hysteria. It's not a real illness. It's cured by orgasm. No, seriously. They either hit the "lady parts" with water or have the doctor massage that… area. People in the nineteenth century were a little confused.**  
**I'm sorry. Thanks for reading.  
**


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